just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
