I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
