my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
