I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
