watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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