to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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