Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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