My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
