I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
