i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
