oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize