Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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