there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
