Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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