there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
