What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
