when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
