I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Randomize
