Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
