Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Be still, my beating vagina.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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