I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
