Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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