I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
