Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
