Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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