I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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