Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
