Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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