now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
