I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
