theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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