I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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