Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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