party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
