he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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