SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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