Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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