I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
