literally had 100 drinks last night.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
