I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
