I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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