the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize