she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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