Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
