True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
