The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
