My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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