Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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