I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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