It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
