the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
