Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You left your phone here
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