I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
