I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
