I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
