I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize