Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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