No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
