So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
