my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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