I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
