I wanna bring you to show and tell
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
