Your mouth is God's brothel.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
